come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Panties = found
Randomize
