Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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