Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
