1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
