He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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