You work out of a Hotel?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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