Jerry, you need to find god
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
