dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
