he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
