I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
