In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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