When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
