Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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