Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
