my phone needs a breathalizer
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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