Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
