Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Oh god it's open bar.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
