Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
FUCK WHALES
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
