The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
