if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
