I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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