I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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