Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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