i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
