he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
