New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
