I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want her autograph on my taint
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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