My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
