Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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