I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
only you would photoshop your dick
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
