I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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