i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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