my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
