You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
