# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
