You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
