My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
