I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
