I faked an abortion last night.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
