In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
