Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
