Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
