I'm so fucking centered right now
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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