Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
