True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
