I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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