Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
