Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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