you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
