so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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