At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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