literally had 100 drinks last night.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
