I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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